CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

“Don’t waste your time or time will waste you.”

Muse

I can’t find the episode title for this one anywhere, so this is going to be more of a generic sarky post. All CSI episodes are the same anyway.

This particular episode, operating out of Las Vegas, no less, features some happy gangland violence, in which a randomer in a limo is shot outside a strip club, and (in what is obviously completely unrelated news) a teenager is found apparently dragged to death in a quiet suburb. What has been going on? Who has shot whom? Does anyone care?

I said a paragraph ago that all CSI episodes are basically the same, and I contend that this is not just sarcasm but actually true. I’m quite sure that there is a piece of paper kept under lock and key somewhere which details the basic plot outline for every single CSI episode ever. Or maybe, like Casualty, there is a Box of Episode Traits from which the scriptwriters take a Lucky Dip every week:

Someone is murdered. The CSI team tell each other things they all already know, but must relate for the sake of the audience. Then they take random things from the crime scene and reconstruct the scene of the murder using technology that I can only assume has been developed in a top-secret government lab somewhere, since it involves processes unknown to anyone, anywhere. A member of the team then meets a troubling Ghost From the Past, which affects his or her ability to work on the case objectively, and may well earn him or her a Reprimand from a Senior Officer. Another member of the team remembers something from a case three years ago, or a link to a case that a completely different team is investigating down the hall (because apparently CSI officers discuss cases freely amongst themselves) and goes to check it out. This leads the team to a suspect, but they have no way of proving their suspicions, until someone remembers a salient detail that they probably should have known all along (“stretch limos are custom-made.” Did you really only just think of this? Why is the US government employing you?), which immediately convicts the suspect, on the spot. Everyone goes home, but not before one of the team has made a pointless sentimental gesture and/or speech on the Nature of Humanity and Life.

Seriously. Next time you watch CSI, think about it. It’s always the same. Always. How they’ve made it to 320 episodes is beyond me. (If you tell me it’s because of the characters, I will laugh merrily. Ha. Ha. Ha.)

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