Celebrity Masterchef: Ep. 1

“Nothing tends more to the corruption of science than to suffer it to stagnate.”

Edmund Burke

Because, of course, I have nothing better to do with my life than watch so-called celebrities cook ghastly dishes in front of a pair of condescending food critics.

That sentence was quite savage, now I read it back. But, you know, Celebrity Masterchef is a bit of a joke. The “celebrities” – only one of whom I’ve actually heard of – try to come across all earnest and “I just want to learn how to cook”, except that you know in your heart of hearts that what they’re really saying is “I need to raise my profile because I haven’t had a job since Big Brother in 2005″. The tasks are ridiculously easy: our celebrities are told to make spring rolls and given the pastry ready-made. And when one of them burns his hand on a cooker in the restaurant task – “it sizzled” – he’s asked “Can you carry on?” Everyone knows that the correct answer to this question is always “yes”, unless you are actually unconscious or writhing on the floor. Russell Grant’s answer? “No, it’s a bit painful.”

The calibre of celebrities has severely diminished since last year, when Janet Street-Porter shouted at Greg every episode and caused much hilarity.

There is, however, the usual quota of amusingly weird restaurant practice – I’m not sure what the point of “blended risotto” (literally risotto put in a blender) would be, or whether it would taste any different from, say, soup, and white wine in a squeezy bottle just seems wrong. And, of course, the food looks good. It always looks good. Mmm…food…


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