The Lord of the Rings

“Magic comes when you’re not looking for it.”

Holly Smale

There is literally no way to describe how epically crap the animated film version of The Lord of the Rings is.

It features among its key characters Disney Princess Galadriel, Boromir of Viking-land, Aragorn the Native American, an extremely tall Gimli (please, look up the word “dwarf”, Mr Bakshi), some five-year-olds optimistically called “hobbits”, and Who the Hell is Aruman?

Seriously. Aruman. Instead of Saruman. (Except sometimes he is Saruman.)

What?

It doesn’t help that apparently no-one in the animation department had ever seen a) a horse, b) an effective fencing match, or c) an actual human face. In fact, it looked like everyone in the animation department was either extremely high or making a brave attempt to create the world’s first interpretative dance cartoon epic.

It was that bad.

The Orcs looked like a cross between the Trade Federation alien people in Star Wars and the Waynhim from The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant, the Unbeliever. The Balrog was clearly extremely grumpy because the Fellowship had inconsiderately interrupted his party. And Bill the pony got eaten by that tentacly thing at the gates of Moria.

Oh, and did I mention that it stops after the battle of Helm’s Deep, at which point the Forces of Darkness have apparently been Swept From The Face Of Middle-earth? Er…what happened to Frodo and Sam, exactly? Or, you know, Merry and Pippin whom you have just spent weeks chasing across the plains of Rohan?

I don’t even know what I’m talking about any more.

It’s hard to believe that someone actually thought they could release this as a serious adaptation of Tolkien’s story. It’s even harder to believe that they did all that work only to come up with something so truly dire. Someone, somewhere, is having a laugh at everyone else’s expense. That is the only explanation I can come up with.

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